Behind my laptop screen is a hospital bed. My grandma is sleeping on that bed, right eye bruised, hands with I.V.s, tube down her nose and throat... We've been here since Thursday - since I found her face down on the bathroom floor. She had a stroke. Her first, and hopefully her last.
But I feel so guilty right now. Helpless, yes, but also guilty. Because I was the one who found her. Why didn't I find her sooner? Every minute that she was on the floor, moaning, how scared she must've been. Was she screaming in her mind? Screaming for help? Yet all that would come were feeble moans?
I was so scared. The moment I turned her over and saw her face, I knew she had a stroke. And she didn't recognize me. And she couldn't speak. And she couldn't move. I was so scared.
Still, I was thankful that I was at her house when it happened. I was thankful that, despite my bad hearing, I was able to discern her moans from the loud television. I was thankful the paramedics came right away. Thankful that she was able to receive TPA within the 3 hour window to lessen the effects and complications of a stroke.
Just so thankful for many things.
Right now though, while keeping vigil at her bedside, I feel guilty about all the things I can do, that she used to be able to do, but now struggle to do. Little things that should be easy, but oh so hard for her.
I feel guilt about all those times I should have made things easier for her. When I saw her do these things, I should've been a good granddaughter and offered to do them instead.
We all miss her voice, her smile, her cooking... We want her back home. We miss her.
But I feel so guilty right now. Helpless, yes, but also guilty. Because I was the one who found her. Why didn't I find her sooner? Every minute that she was on the floor, moaning, how scared she must've been. Was she screaming in her mind? Screaming for help? Yet all that would come were feeble moans?
I was so scared. The moment I turned her over and saw her face, I knew she had a stroke. And she didn't recognize me. And she couldn't speak. And she couldn't move. I was so scared.
Still, I was thankful that I was at her house when it happened. I was thankful that, despite my bad hearing, I was able to discern her moans from the loud television. I was thankful the paramedics came right away. Thankful that she was able to receive TPA within the 3 hour window to lessen the effects and complications of a stroke.
Just so thankful for many things.
Right now though, while keeping vigil at her bedside, I feel guilty about all the things I can do, that she used to be able to do, but now struggle to do. Little things that should be easy, but oh so hard for her.
- coughing
- raising her arm
- swallowing
- talking
- eating
I feel guilt about all those times I should have made things easier for her. When I saw her do these things, I should've been a good granddaughter and offered to do them instead.
- cooking
- clearing the table after a meal
- washing the dishes
- sweeping the floor
- picking up the kids' toys
We all miss her voice, her smile, her cooking... We want her back home. We miss her.
I am sorry to hear about your grandmother, and although this was a solemn, reflective post...it reminds us to be appreciative of every day, and of our loved ones. I hope your grandmother makes a speedy recovery, and thank goodness you were there and checked on her when you did. Surround her with positive energy and focus on what you are thankful for instead of harboring guilt.
ReplyDeleteIt's normal to feel guilt and it's normal to be sad when something bad happens to your loved ones. Try not to be too hard on yourself.
ReplyDeleteBut this does sit well to remind each of us that life is so precisous and no matter what happened that it is to be cherished! I hope she heals quickly and makes a full recovery.
Wow--so sorry to hear about your grandma, but what a blessing that you were there to help her. This was a beautiful, poignant post, so unlike all the others. Thanks for sharing, and I hope your grandma recovers.
ReplyDeleteMarie
I'm so sorry for you hon! If only I could be there for ya and share a cup of coffee and a prayer for your Grandma. Just know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers these days!
ReplyDeleteMy prayers are with you, Janice. It's normal to feel guilty about anything. I walk around in a constant state of "I want to be better at everything". My most used phrase to everyone is "I'm sorry". I want to be a better husband, a better son, a better Christian, a better brother, a better employee, a better friend. I try to be better at everything, every step of the day. And often, I fail. May I suggest a good session between you and a priest when you get time?
ReplyDeleteMy wife's ex-mother in law is in hospice now. We saw her Saturday. She has throat cancer (terminal) and dementia. She's 86. We take people for granted, as though they're always going to be there. She was a better MIL after my wife divorced her son, and she was always good to me. She loved my desserts. The other day she called me pogie (sp). She told the nurse who was stabbing her arm that he was pogy too. She's going to die soon. Last Sunday at Mass, a parishioner came up to the choir director and asked her to play for his wife's funeral-she had died three days previous. Sometimes death and illness brings us back to reality, that we don't know how long we have, or how long those around us have.
Oh no...Janice...I am so sorry to hear this about your grandmother, and that you are going through this. I will be praying for her recovery and for you, to release this guilt. Focus all your heart and energies on her healing and all the ways you will show her love and appreciation when she recovers. Praying now -
ReplyDeleteDear Heavenly Father,
Be with Janice. Be with her grandmother. You are the Great Physician. You heal body and soul, heart and mind. Send Janice your peace, the kind that can not be conjured up from any striving on our part. Bring rest and comfort this family. Help her to let go of guilt, and embrace instead, Your hand that offers grace.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen
Thank you very much for the prayer. Peace is definitely what I need. I understand I need to let God's will be done. It's just hard to be out of control, you know what I mean?
ReplyDeleteI definitely know how this feels - to be reminded that we never know how long we have. Still, it's hard to take. But, His Will be done.
ReplyDeleteI would love a cuppa and a prayer with you. Isn't it so sad I don't even have RL friends to do that with?
ReplyDeleteMarie, thank you for your good thoughts. I was very glad I was there too.
ReplyDeleteDina, your words ring true. Life is precious. And I'd like it very much if I could treasure my grandma's life a little longer still. :-)
ReplyDeleteYona, I am definitely trying to focus more now on things to be thankful for. I'm just so happy she's still with us!
ReplyDelete